ICv2 released the numbers for April and Secret Invasion #1 sold 250,000 copies -- you’d think that would be good news but it’s a little scary knowing only two titles that month sold at the 100,000 copy mark, Dark Tower and New Avengers.  It wouldn’t be hard to make the case that those sales are leaching them away from other titles and these sort of “events” not only fail to grow the market but cannibalize what readers are left.  Now when you consider Final Crisis and assume it’ll do at least as well as Secret Invasion (though Marvel is desperately hoping otherwise, what other explanation is there for them to release twenty SI crossover titles in August?), you have to wonder if any of our customers will be able to afford anything else.

Big news: they’re talking about making a live-action Beavis and Butthead movie starring Stiffler from American Pie (Seann William Scott) and Napoleon Dynamite himself (Jon Heder).  Now they talked about this years ago back when the animated series was still running, but B&B creator Mike Judge wisely wanted nothing to do with it. This time he seems to be onboard.

I blame myself.

You see I’m old and remember the bad old days before there was an inexpensive way of storing television broadcasts and all the things I loved when I was a kid (Astro Boy, Jonny Quest, Speed Racer, etc.) could seemingly disappear forever.  And what guys like me who never quite got over that wanted most was a little respect, for ourselves and the things we loved… and I believe somehow this has inexplicably led us to a world where they’re actually going to make a live-action Totally Spies movie.

The thing that bothered me most about the idea of a live-action Speed Racer movie (besides there being a better than average chance it would be embarrassingly awful) was the nagging thought that some comics and cartoons just weren’t meant to be movies.  I understand why fans want to see their childhood favorites in three dimensions; though I know better there’s still a part of me that would love seeing movie versions of Astro Boy or Jonny Quest, the same way I know lots of you are actively looking forward to next year’s big screen G.I. Joe.

But I also know there’s a misguided desire to see these characters made not just more “real” but somehow actually important, and there’s nothing quite so important in today’s world than a summer Hollywood blockbuster.  And while I thought the Beavis and Butthead cartoons were hilarious (the same way I think some publisher should get the rights to the comics featuring them as Rick Parker did for Marvel) and remember the characters fondly, do we really want, let alone need, to see them as adults, in live-action?

Or take Tintin.  I love Tintin and have every confidence Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson will do a great job and that a successful movie might finally make the character popular in the United States (not to mention put some cool merchandise on our shelves).  But like Willy Wonka, I know what happens to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted; and it isn’t always pretty (see The Avengers, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Thunderbirds, etc.).

Frank Miller’s version of The Spirit might be great, if it isn’t just an excuse for him to do another hardboiled crime movie as the teaser suggests (Mr. Miller says his film will be more serious the way the early Spirit stories were; I say The Spirit had a flying car in those, are we going to see that in your movie?), what meaningful benefit will it bring to the original comics?  Besides hopefully getting them into more book stores, I mean.

So what I’m suggesting is, without anyone noticing, that we’ve gone beyond the point of diminishing returns when it comes to comics/cartoons to movie adaptations.  I mean, yeah, you probably could make a decent movie out of Land of the Lost, though from there it’s a slippery slope to Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. But ultimately I know this is futile, given how Hollywood continues to see these characters as money making machines, whether they deserve it or not.*

And, finally, coming soon is Strain: Stategic Armored Infantry, an anime series based on Francis Hodgson Burnett’s beloved children classic A Little Princess, set in the future and with giant robots.  This means I’m one step closer to realizing my long held dream of seeing a version of Anne of Green Gables with mobile battle suits; Uber-Valkyrie Pig-Tail Anne-Girl.

* They just had a bidding war for the rights to Flash Gordon; you’d think they’d go at bargain rates given the way his recent basic cable TV series just crashed and burned.

The opinions expressed in this Talk Back article are solely those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the editorial staff of ICv2.com.