Confessions of a Comic Book Guy is a weekly column by Steve Bennett of Super-Fly Comics and Games in Yellow Springs, Ohio.  This week, Bennett talks about his recent move and finally getting around to watching I, Frankenstein.
 
I was absent last week because I found out my apartment complex is being torn down and its owners wanted their tenants out ASAP.  I hadn’t exactly been what you'd call happy there ever since a possum tunneled its way in and ate my underwear (I wish I was kidding; see "Confessions of a Comic Book Guy--The Case of the Unaccounted For Confession").  But I had spent the last couple of months looking for a cheaper, smaller place that was closer to my work without any luck.  So I wasn't in a position to turn down the management company when they offered me a new apartment that met all of my requirements; especially when they threw in a month's free rent.
 
The only caveat; I had to move, like now.  Feeling my age I hired professional movers, who of course canceled at the last possible moment.  Unable to find anyone else able to start that day I bought an $80* dolly (a.k.a. a two-wheeler or hand truck, a device that most retailers are painfully familiar with), took time off of work and spent the next five days dragging everything I owned down several flights of stairs.  The dolly might very well be a first-class lever but given the number of times (three) a wheel took an extra hard bounce and "shifted" it’s contents across a three foot wide radius, I was a less than first-class operator.
 
And when I say "contents" I of course mean, among other things, toys, graphic novels and of course comic books; three long boxes of them.  Which I know may seem like a fairly meager "collection" especially given that one of those long boxes was full of comics that I myself had written.  But it felt like I had a lot more than that as I scrambled hunched over, picking them up off of the pavement one at a time in 80+ temperatures.  It was just another object lesson in the many benefits of digital comics, not that I needed one.  I can't wait until everything I own is on the cloud.
 
And I did it all myself, mostly.  I have never been one to depend on the kindness of strangers, but it's super cool when kind strangers actually come along.  Like on day four when I lost control of the hand truck for the third time and fell backwards onto a conveniently located rock garden.  As I laid there, looking at my possessions sprawled on the ground around me, I screamed, not so much in pain (though there was plenty of that) as a combination of frustration and humiliation.  I screamed until I couldn't scream any more, which was when people came running.  Being solid middle class Americans, one of them naturally asked me, "Is there anything I can do?"  Which is when I said, "Well, you can help load stuff into my car."  And, surprisingly, they did.  I'm not proud but then, I'm also not nearly as ashamed as I should be either.
 
I did get something accomplished during my week off; thanks to Netflix I finally got around to seeing the movie I, Frankenstein, which not surprisingly comes in dead last behind Doc Frankenstein and Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E. in the great Frankenstein Monster, Monster Fighter derby.  All outside evidence suggested that it was going to be plenty bad but I must admit I was taken aback by just how misconceived it was from the get-go.  And surprisingly I'm not referring to the idea that The Frankenstein Monster should look like a male model with a couple of facial scars.  While it may scream "Frankenstein's Monster Fights Monsters" on the box there aren't any monsters and very little Frankenstein in a movie that’s focused on a never-ending dispute between races of gargoyles and demons.  Most of the time though the gargoyles are just regular guys who dress like ancient Romans for no apparent reason; they're supposed to be the good guys but they're roughly as big a bag of bastards as the demons they're fighting.  But the film's one unforgivable sin is that it completely wastes Bill Nighy as the villain Naberius; when he should be chewing the scenery he seems to be struggling to stay awake.
 
* I have very little "wisdom" to pass down to "today's kids" but I can humbly offer them at least  this maxim which has always served me well; whether it be consumer electronics or hand trucks, you always want  the mid-range model.  Unless it's only one you can afford you definitely don't want the cheap one and the top of the line model is generally for people with more money than they know what to do with.
 
The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the editorial staff of ICv2.com